Gift # 1. That God awful romance card that we all cringe at when trying to buy it. You know the one's I mean. Look left, look right, and when you're sure no one is looking, stick it in the envelope that it comes with so that the clerk has to pull it out just so far to see the price. Most of us guy's hate reading these cards, but whatever, women really love em'. I guess they really know how tough it was for us to buy it! You can get a real mushy one for about $3.00.

Gift # 2. A Heart Shaped box of chocolates. A sure fire winner! "Oh no...not Chocolates! You didn't buy me chocolates, did you?" "I can't eat them...they'll make me fat!" That's what she'll say, while she's thinking..."I wonder where I can hide them so I don't have to share!" Just remember to tell her that dark chocolate is proven to be a great antioxidant...good for her heart! I just checked in my local drug store, and you can buy a Whitman Sampler for $5.95. That's a great price, and a sure-to-please gift.

Gift # 3. Red Roses. The Ultimate Killer! Some women may find the Love Card as corny as you. Some will complain that the chocolate will make them fat (although they won't share with anyone), but there is not a woman alive who doesn't melt when you give her roses :) Here in New York, you can get a dozen roses for about $15.00 or less. Shop early.

Now, for all of you guy's who are trying to get up the courage to buy your lover beautiful black or red lingerie ... Don't Do It ... Unless...unless you remember the film "Working Girl" when Alec Baldwin buys Melanie Griffith a matching set of black bra and panties for her birthday, and what she said to him upon opening the box and holding up the panties, "Oh Good, you got me another gift for you!"

A number of year's ago, I was having an after work cocktail with a business acquaintance of mine, when the conversation turned to Valentine's day, which was just a couple of days in the future. After we exchanged gift idea's and a few laughs, he said to me, "Would you like to hear a great Valentine's Day story?" "Of course I would" I replied.

As he began, a pleasant smile formed his face, "Well, about ten years ago, I was dating this really pretty girl, and I really liked her a lot, and I just assumed that the feeling was mutual. So, on Valentine's Day, I went over to her apartment to pick her up for dinner and a movie. But, I brought along with me, a card, a box of chocolates, a dozen roses, a bottle of champagne, AND, a matching set of black bra and panties with pink ribbons on the bra straps and on the hips of the panties!" His grin was now bigger than his face.

"My God, how did she react?"

"Well, after she thanked me for all of the present's, she was very pleased by the way, she got to the little white box with the red ribbons." "And what's this?" she said smiling sheepishly.

"I must admit that I got embarrassed at this point, but what the hell I thought. Well she opened the box, and with her forefinger and thumb she held up the panties, just like your Mother would do if she caught you with a Playboy magazine or something. No smile, nothing. "You don't think I'm gonna put these on for you, do you?"

"I was almost hoping that she wouldn't pull the bra out of the box, but of course she did. I felt so stupid at that moment."

She put them back in the box, and said to me, "I'd better go put these away in the closet. I'll be right back."

So she yells out to me from her bedroom "Hey, it's getting late, think we can still make the movie?"

"Sure" I yell out to her. I look up and there she is in the doorway with the bra and panties on, AND, black high heels, with a rose in her teeth!"

As he says this, he is now looking up to the sky, in a place all his own, with a very satisfied and confident grin on his face. I could hear him murmuring under his breath..."I'll never forget it as long as I live." He turned to look at me...that was the end of his story. He wasn't going any further.

"Mike, I felt like a horse had just kicked me in the chest. I was totally out of breath, and standing there like the village idiot, mouth open, eyes bulging. I actually think she took pity on me."

"Whatever happened to her?" He took a sip from his drink, then turned to me with a serious expression. Then he almost yelled it at me, "I Married Her!"

He started to reach into his jacket to pull out his wallet, as we were both getting a really good laugh, the kind that all people in a bar or restaurant want to join in on, even though they don't know what you're talking about. He showed me a picture of a pretty woman and two adorable young girls...his family. "You're a lucky man, Bob." "Don't I know it" he said as he started to put on his coat to leave.

"So, what are you doing this Valentine's Day?" I asked him. "We do the same thing every year, but now we have to get a baby sitter." His grin was the kind that one man gives to another when you want to one up him.

A word to the wise: If you're going to buy your girlfriend or wife lingerie make sure you get the right size! If they're too small, you're not going to get the runway treatment. If they're too large, may God be with you and protect you!

Oh yeah, If you're wondering, St. Valentine actually was a Roman who was martyred and died on February 14, 269 A.D. for refusing to give up his practice of Christianity. I wonder if Bob knows this? :)

So there you go. Have a great holiday and spread the love.

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